This is hard. I’ve felt like I can’t say so many things I’m feeling out loud. I’m not afraid to be judged, I’m afraid to admit to myself that this is probably the hardest season of my life. I’ve been through some shitty things. Nothing compares. Life is challenging me in every aspect right now.
In February I had it all together. A career that was so fulfilling, kids that were doing well in school and at home, much needed mental space for myself to grow, a partnership with my husband that was working, and a vision of the future that was exciting.
Covid hit and everything changed in an instant. I found out I was pregnant- ok, we had wanted another baby and I had a plan in place to go back to work. The kids got out of school early- ok, I have a job that allows me to work around virtually any schedule and hey, it’s almost summer anyway. My industry was shut down, ok- I can collect unemployment and not have to juggle the kids care while I work. Johns work hasn’t slowed even slightly, so we will be ok.
Boom: unemployment is nearly impossible to get if you’re self employed. I’ve tried over and over and received little to no help to keep my a business afloat from the very state that shut it down.
Boom: the kids now have to be homeschooled, there is no way around me staying home with them, making it impossible to work now that we CAN open, watching everything I’d worked for crumble at my feet.
Boom: my pregnancy is high risk and my sweet new baby is going have challenges that will require me to be home for therapies and one on one care.
Add all of the stress of increased hormones, daily frustration, stress and just all around longing for the freedom I had just a few short months ago to any relationship, we are trying. I am thankful for a husband that allows me to be shitty sometimes and still loves me at the end of the day.
I’ve been fighting depression, and the guilt that comes with knowing my baby can feel all of the things I’m feeling on a daily basis. Distractions are hard to come by in isolation, but I’m trying.
I feel chained to this situation. I have never been good at staying home. I am not a house wife. I crave independence and mental space.
This has brought me to the hardest space I have ever been in. I know this is a place where growth happens. I know growth hurts, it’s hard and ugly.
This WILL bring me to a new place in my journey. I cannot control where life goes, how it happens, or why. This is all for something I can’t yet see, and won’t understand unless I move through it this way. I get that.
“Let me not waste this pain in sorrow, let me see the lesson in this moment so that I can learn and grow for tomorrow”
Excuse me while I sage myself.
I write this because I know I’m not alone, and I want you to know, you aren’t alone either. I see you.
