Last year I thought I had everything figured out. I felt great, loved my career, was building a thriving, rewarding business, was truly working through hidden traumas and healing in a real way. My kids were in school, I had a sliver of my independence back, something I’ve hinged my life on- my ability to be independent. This year life kept bringing me back home, I fought it. I felt like being a wife and mother wasn’t enough for me. I felt like everything I knew about myself, and wanted for my life was being stripped away...but now I know how important it is, and I know that my perspective on motherhood can help others who have had the same struggles I have. I try to share but I’m also a private person. It takes me outside my comfort zone, but the conversations and openness required is good for my heart.
I know Indie was made for me. I had the most intense spiritual experiences during my pregnancy with her. During a reiki course I had a woman come up to me with a “message from my daughters soul”, she delivered the message through tears and with so much love. It’s a moment I will never forget. It connected me to her in a way I didn’t know was possible, it carried me through the rest of my pregnancy with a sense peace that changed my experience altogether. In the beginning had never felt more sick, frustrated, helpless, or even more depressed than I did during my pregnancy with her. Every doctors appointment was a new set of scary diagnosis and possibilities. I had to do them all alone due to Covid. Every procedure, without the comfort of my husband’s hand to hold. I had to settle into the unknown. I made peace with whatever was meant to happen would be. Every lesson that came with these new feelings was absorbed, no matter how painful. What I had to be and feel for her well-being went against my instincts, it would have been easy to stay in bed and cry all day and some days, I did. It required a lot of self care, meditation and love to pull myself out of that headspace. I learned a lot about what I’m capable of. We as humans are magic, our minds are powerful. Depending on your perspective a situation can be the best or the worst situation of your life. You can see the lesson, learn and grow- or not, that’s your choice. You can be happy, or not. Everything you experience is an opportunity for growth in some capacity. Our energy is powerful, and it can either be healing or toxic...to yourself and others.
It took a long moment to understand what I was put on this earth for, and it wasn’t what I was expecting it to be, or even wanted it to be truthfully. Now that I’m standing with confidence in this space of understanding it just keeps getting better.
Two years ago I changed a lot of things about my life in an effort to live through love instead of fear. I began to heal things that were keeping me in a perpetual cycle of fear based actions and reactions. That journey prepared me for this place. Parenthood is the hardest thing a person can decide to do. It requires selflessness, patients, and strength under extreme stress. It requires self healing in order to avoid passing on our own trauma to our children. Every day is a work in progress.